Friday, 31 August 2012

A letter from Spencer




June of 1968

My dearest Katie,

You were wrong.
I hate to start this letter this way, my darling, but you were wrong. You said there was nothing after death. You said that when one dies, everything dies, everything is over, there’s nothing to look forward or back to: A life erased from the face of the earth. Well, darling, first of all, as long as you were there to remember me, I was never truly erased from the face of the earth. Secondly, there is such a thing as life after death and I am the living – perhaps not so living – proof of it.

I am in heaven. I am in a place I’ve always believed in. I knew this to be real, Kath, and I tried to make you believe too, but you couldn’t. Life makes no sense without this place. You of all people can understand this. You kept looking for some sense in your life. You keep trying to add reason where clearly there wasn’t any. Life is not meant to be understood and lived simultaneously, my love. I kept telling you that. I kept telling you that you should focus more on the living and less on the thinking. You’ll understand when you get up here. It is very lonely up here without you, I must admit, and anywhere would be lonely without your striking presence. It’s ridiculous how much I love you, Kathy, and I never quite realized the true extent of my feelings on earth. No one does until they get up here. Without you, I would’ve died many years earlier. You were my savior, my angel, my miracle.

I’m saying all these things to the air, knowing that you will never hear me. I always wondered on earth how I’d live without you. The simple answer is: I won’t. Without you, I only wait. Without you, I am but a dead man, my soul is but an empty shell, waiting for your love to fill it up again. I wait and I dream and I watch over you every single day. I saw how you turned 61 recently, surrounded by only those few friends you loved and cherished the most, just the way you wanted it. I was so happy for you, my Kath. I have laughed and cried with you over this past year, and I’ve been closer to you than you ever realized.  I would give anything to have you here again, but, my love, I have nothing left to give. But when you get here, when you get here, my love- Oh, I can hardly wait! My eyes get teary just thinking about it! Remember when we were young and silly, with nothing left to fear, as if the whole world was our oyster, and our whole lives were on our fingertips? Heaven will be like that. You, and me, and nothing but the sky. I envied your strong heart, Kathy. It supported you and I both in this crazy Ferris wheel we call life. This is why our affection was so strong: We were clinging tight to the same thing.

You called me a baked potato as a reference to my simplicity in acting. Acting was our craft and our love for it made our love for each other grow stronger. But you and I both know that in real life, I was as complicated as I could be. I had problems, layers and layers of them, and you knew and loved each one. You didn’t understand people, my love, you didn’t even understand yourself, but you understood me. And sometimes that was all I needed. One look of those ruthless eyes, one touch of those overworked hands, one whisper of that distinctive high voice and all my problems seemed to melt away. How delicious that you loved me back just as much as I loved you.

I met your parents up here again. They had been so proud of you. We talk about you non-stop. Bogie is still a pool of admiration and care for you. You’re his little sister even in the next world. Tom is also here. He misses you so much. He just wants to give you a hug and play with you in Fenwick once again. He’s so sorry for ending things the way they did. He wishes he could change the past.

The truth is, we all do, Kath. We all want to change the past in at least one way. I wish I could’ve shown you how much I loved you, how highly reliant I was on you. You’re still the same, you’re still beautiful. That red hair flaming free, those eyes  like bullets to the heart, that mouth perfectly arching downwards and that marvellous spirit that bursts out of your skin. Not everyone could see it in its total magnificence. You didn’t let them.

Listen to me, my love. You made my life make sense. I will spend the eternity being grateful to you. I want you to live long and healthy for many more years to come. I miss you, but I can wait. I’ll wait for as long as it takes.

I love you and only you. Every day for the rest of eternity.
With wishes for the best,
Spencer Bonaventure Tracy

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Disclaimer: I didn't know whether to post this or not, because it could be misinterpreted, but I decided to post it anyway. This letter is a work of fiction, written by me. It is a product of my personal understanding of the Hepburn-Tracy relationship, and it does not claim complete historical accuracy. 

2 comments:

  1. This was so moving! For sure Spencer was more "emotion" and religion in the duo. You knew exactly how to give him a voice out of a screen character. I like to think that their relationship was as warm and lovely as you mada it seem.
    Beijos!

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    1. Thank you so much dear! I like to think so too, I'm sure they had uncontrollable feelings for each other. Although I'm really sorry that they had to keep it a secret, because now we have no access to their memories and have nothing to look back to :(
      Beijão!

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